There is a land of bad, inappropriate and totally wrong English. It is called the land of faux pas - make sure that is one land you avoid.

When using the word ‘can’ is a serious faux pas. Can (Part II)
There is a land of bad, inappropriate and totally wrong English. It is called the land of faux pas - make sure that is one land you avoid. 

THE IMPACT OF LITERARY ENGLISH ON ENGLISHThis week a so-called senior English teacher wrote to the Singapore press saying that it is perfectly acceptable to use the word ‘can’ in every day English. I responded by wondering what level of English are we at when we use the word ‘can.’ Further I gave examples of what could be better English in certain social situations. There is also literary English – what is literary English? – this is the language used in literature – books, poetry, plays down the centuries. In the media, magazines and newspapers may draw upon literary English in their articles, editorials and columns.

STRONG LANGUAGEThere is a big difference between using the word ‘can’ in the abstract, in daily writing and in literature. Abstract here means an abstract idea – when we are talking about something generally and not asking specifically for someone to do something.  Also when you are talking about yourself, it is acceptable to use the word 'can'.  For example, I can speak English because you are talking about yourself, and the word ‘can’ is good for emphasis. It is clear, emphatic language – strongly expressive.  As the word ‘can’ is considered to be stronger language, that is why it should not be used in social settings. Some people in a position of authority  who don’t care about the feelings of the other may use the word 'can'. By the way, a police officer using the word ‘can’ is not a social situation!  In literature and the media there is poetic licence - characters may seem to get away with bad manners, but you may not be able to. 

THE WORD CAN IS GOOD FOR EMPHASIS
In English culture we talk about polite company. In polite company, there are certain things you don’t do if you want to be socially acceptable. ‘Polite company’ is a collocation to mean when you are among people who are of a reasonable quality and this is how you behave or should behave.

SUGARCOATING
In polite company, you should not use the word ‘can’ to make a request. Some people may say it is acceptable between close friends and family, but may be there would be less break up and less divorce if we sugarcoated our words more and avoided the use of the word ‘can.’  Thus, using the word ‘can’ may be too strong when in polite company and certain social situations. 'Can you open the window’ may be too strong and thus a social faux pas.

THE WORLD OF FAUX PAS
The expression ‘faux pas’ means that you have not behaved in accordance with the accepted social norms (the correct way to behave).

HISTORICAL CHARACTER
We and English are influenced by writers, playwrights and authors who have written great works. Writers such as Shakespeare coined new words, phrases and language.  If we want to appreciate them we have to go back in time in terms of understanding their English. Thus we need to also learn historical English too.  What characters in books, plays and feature films can do, may not be what we can do in real life!  

PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
Perfectly acceptable is a collocation (words that go together) to mean that it is 100 per cent acceptable to do something.

NOT PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
The English teacher wrote that it is perfectly acceptable to use the word ‘can’. I hope after reading this posting and the earlier one that you will agree with me that it is not perfectly acceptable to use the word ‘can’ in all situations and I hope you will avoid using the word ‘can’ to make requests in social settings. I don’t think it is perfectly acceptable to use the word ‘can’ in all social situations and most definitely should not be used when in polite company.

My 'can' English lesson from the Ambassador’s wife. What the British High Commissioner’s wife taught me (Part I)

http://abetoday.com/2012/04/09/my-english-lesson-from-the-ambassador%E2%80%99s-wife-what-the-british-high-commissioner%E2%80%99s-wife-taught-me/

I don’t think it is perfectly acceptable to use the word ‘can’ in all social situations and most definitely should not be used when in polite company

Pic credit: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm4125856256/tt0075537

April Affairs with Tayyiba Iram (Part I)

GOOD DAY AND GOD’S DAY
May your day be blessed with Love and beautiful moments ♥ Good Day !!

THE GREATEST KNOWLEDGE - Pure prayer
Almighty Rab/God!! I Ask You for knowledge which is Beneficial, and Sustenance which is Pure, and Deeds which are Accepted. Aameen.

THE GREATEST CORRECTIONAlmighty GOD!! I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (a split second). Correct all of my Affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.” 

GOD’S BEST FOR YOUMay you have all the joy your heart can hold... all the smiles this day can bring, all the blessings life can hold.. may you have GOD’s best in everything. Ameen Sume Ameen 

STANDARD BEARERCarry Yourself in Such a Way that When People are Sitting You would be Standing, and When they are Standing, You Would Stand Out; And When They Dare to Stand Out, You will be their STANDARD. Remember First is FIRST and Second is Nobody. :)
That’s the Attitude Dear Ones. :)
Be a STANDARD ♥ :)) 

UNDEFINABLEOne Great Deed does not Define who You are. It is the Little Good Things you do to others Day by Day that Count. Carry on! People may not Notice, but GOD/ALLAH does, and with Him it truly Matters!

DEED DIRECTIONYour talents are Gifts on loan in this Life, to Help other people with their Life.

PAIN AND PLEASURE
P A I N = Pay Attention Inward Now !!!
Look and Ponder why It is and Then Grow ... Learning is Your Gift even when Pain is your Teacher...
Every One is going to HURT you Sooner or Later.. It’s you who decide which is more Important... The Pain or The Person... Perhaps not Every One... but when it happens, it depends... more on the person... and less on the pain.

When you treasure a relationship, holding on is a natural thing to do. You don't need to practice it or learn it.
Understand which aspect you're on in your relationship and do the best thing for yourself and the relationship no matter how painful it may be at that time. Cry. Forgive. Learn. Let the experience becomes the seeds of your future happiness.

Love is always the Answer, and It answers in so mysterious, miraculous, amazing ways.

HAPPINESS HOPEThe more we study Life, the more we realize how rarely there is a soul who can Honestly say, "I Am Happy." Have a Real Happy Life friends :) Let experience become the seeds of your future happiness.

ENDLESS POSSIBILITYEND is not END, In fact E.N.D.is EFFORT NEVER DIES And if you have NO as an answer Remember NO is NEXT OPPORTUNITY

And nothing is impossible because the word IMPOSSIBLE says it self I M POSSIBLE.
Never lose Hope Dear ones. May All your prayers be accepted in the Best of You. Aameen.

EARTHLY PRAYERS

Woman Prayer
Dear God,
I pray for Wisdom to understand a Man, Love to Forgive him and Patience for his moods.

Man PrayerDear God,
I pray for Wisdom to understand a Woman, Love to Forgive her and Patience for her moods. 

PROMOTION TO ANGEL - AMONG THE ANGELS
What a blessing of ACCEPTANCE!! ♥
When Your soul experiences all that is and Accept it. Acceptance gives me the experience of being like an Angel: Never Judging, never Criticizing and never Worrying. 

GOOD DAY BLESSING
B: Blessed be your day full of love and beautiful moments.
L: Love is always the Answer, and It answers in so many mysterious, miraculous, amazing ways. Learning is a gift – learning is a gift to embrace and enjoy. Let experience become the seeds of your future happiness.
E: END is not END, In fact E.N.D.is EFFORT NEVER DIES
S: Standards define you so work to achieve the best standards and be the best standard.
S: Seeds of your better life and happiness are built upon love, good values and good standards.

Y: Your talents are Gifts on loan to Help people with their Life.
O: One moment at a time and one day at a time we can savor good by accepting all that is there.U: Unveil your good qualities and your good standards to all but do it as a light, a wondrous beautiful light that all want to go to and bathe in.

TRUE PURPOSEExperience the light.There is always light - there is always light - light from the heavens and man reflecting that light back. Unveil your good qualities and your good standards to all but do it as a light, a wondrous beautiful light that all want to go to and bathe in. Your purpose in life is to get to the stage where people say – you are the light. 

There is always light - there is always light - light from the heavens and man reflecting that light back. Blessings.

Pic Credit - Basheer

Help the world – vote for effective electricity supplies in Asia

Would you like to do a nice thing for some human beings?

Is there any cost?
No cost. All you have to do is register at this website http://globalchallenge.mit.edu/about

Just sign up and then you can vote. You can sign up as a friend of MIT. Signing up can be very quick.

What is this website and organization?
Who hasn't heard of MIT – Massachusetts Institute of Technology? The renowned American Institution.

THE MIT GLOBAL CHALLENGE
MIT has set a global challenge – The MIT IDEAS Global Challenge connects students with the passion and talent to improve the world with the experience and resources of the MIT community worldwide. MIT supports innovation and entrepreneurship through an annual competition that awards up to $10,000 per team for the best ideas to tackle barriers to well-being.

THE AIMS OF THE MIT GLOBAL CHALLENGE

• Defining barriers to well-being in communities around the world

• Generating innovative solutions to these challenges

• Forming teams to develop prototypes and proposals

• Sharing skills and resources with teams

CONSERVING ENERGY ENTRYhttpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXXi2zzAWkI&feature=player_embedded
Pakistan faces a massive shortfall of electricity.

CRISIS
Pakistanis face a major energy crisis. Pakistan has an available capacity of 18GW with a demand of 22GW. This gap causes massive power cuts throughout the country (of more than 16 hours in some areas).

HUMAN AND ECONOMIC CONSEQUENCES
The excessive power cuts have not only crippled local industry (with some 40% of factories closing down) but has also left people frustrated. This frustration leads to riots and violent protests.

NO SOLUTION IN SIGHTEven with increases in generation capacity this gap will remain in the coming years, so there is a need to tackle this issue now from the consumer end.

CONSUMER SOLUTION
KnowElectricity (http://knowelectricity.org) is a social enterprise focused on consumer engagement for energy conservation through energy education and promotion of energy efficient products and practices in Pakistan.

This organization is currently engaged in:
1. Schools and Students Engagement Program (SSEP)
2. Products for Sustainability (PFS)

SSEP is an engagement/educational program for high school students to impart a greater sense of responsibility for consumption. It consists of a series of talks, seminars, electricity audit training and audits. This helps to decrease their electricity consumption and the consumption of neighboring households.

PFS focuses on products with sustainable advantages and financial benefits with the aim to create understanding of technologies to drive consumer purchase of suitable products.

AIM
To decrease the electricity consumption of households

WHO ARE THE PEOPLE BEHIND THIS PROJECTWardah Inam: Wardah is the Co-Founder at KE. She is a PhD Candidate at MIT where she is researching in Power Electronics (Energy efficient power converter design). She has also been involved in numerous projects related to alternative energy applications such as MIT SoftRockers. She graduated from  Ghulam Ishaq Khan Institute of Engineering Sciences and Technology (GIKI) with a BS in Electronics Engineering where she worked on a Grid-tie inverter for solar applications for her Final Year Project.

Wardah Inam: wardah@knowelectricity.org

Faizan Rasool: Faizan is the Co- Founder at KE (KnowElectricity) and is also working with Tintash as Manager Mobile Application He spent a year as the head of the Electronics and Electrical department in Philip Morris Pakistan at their flagship factory. He has a BSc in Electronics Engineering from GIKI. www.knowelectricity.org

Faizan Rasool: faizan@knowelectricity.org

WHY I VOTED
I voted  because there are many ways to tackle a problem.

1. We can do nothing but then the problem will get worse. I don't believe this is a solution.

2. We can do something destructive – rioting and violent protests don’t solve the problem and often make the problem so much more worse. I have always asked people not to do this.

3. We could blame the government but really that does not help either because the government in some countries seems unable to solve the electricity shortage. No government is perfect and there are so many pressing issues facing government. I have always believed we should help government.

4. The people themselves could do something constructive. The constructive thing is to re-evalute how you use electricity and how to use less of it. This project is about this solution. The project is also environmentally friendly. The project is constructive and could be helpful. Constructive initiatives get my vote and that is why I voted for this project today. I would encourage you to do likewise. You certainly lose nothing by voting and you may have just made the world a little bit nicer and a better place to live in.

Please help by reposting this posting here – you and your contacts may agree with me. Blessings.

Help the world – vote for effective electricity supplies in Asia

My English lesson from the Ambassador’s wife. What the British High Commissioner’s wife taught me

How high are your standards of English?
When I joined the British High Commission I was to be introduced to the High Commissioner’s wife. We had a lengthy conversation and during that introduction I used the word ‘can.’  We had a good laugh when she suggested my usage was Singlish. I took to heart what she said, so I was quite amused to see an English teacher writing to the local Singapore press to say that it is perfectly acceptable now to use the word ‘can.’

ACCEPTABLE OR NOT?
In English, we have a number of levels of English, from formal to informal English and the language of the street. There are concepts such as good English, appropriate English, the best English and the most effective communication.

NOT THE BEST ENGLISH
The word ‘can’ will not be the best English to use when a more polite word could be used such as “May’ or ‘Could.’

SOUNDING RUDEThe problem with the word ‘can’ is that it is not considered to be the most polite language and the tone used might even turn the statement into a rude statement. “Can I sit here?" may sound rude and one of the purposes of language is to communicate effectively. Another purpose is to communicate nicely. Why use language that could be misinterpreted as uneducated, pushy and rude? One of the things we are supposed to teach as part of our teaching of English is how to use English effectively for successful interactions.

INFORMAL SITUATIONS
In informal English it is possible to use the word ‘can’, but consider how good mannered are you, how educated are you and how effective your communication is? You can swear – that is available in the English language too, but what does it say about you? Good teachers will tell you – you will hear people using the word ‘can,’ but there are consequences of such usage (as outlined here) and reasons why to avoid its usage. 

I was glad the High Commissioner’s wife reminded me that I should reflect before using the word ‘can’ and I share her good lesson with you.  

Consider in the following situations which is the best English usage.

1. For ability
(1) I can speak English.
(2) I am able to speak English.
(3) I speak English. 

2. To ask for permission or to state what is permitted.
(1) Can I sit here? 

(2) Could I sit here?
(3) May I sit here?
(4) You can’t smoke on the train.
(5) You are not permitted to smoke on the train.
(6) You are not allowed to smoke on the train.
(7) Smoking is not allowed. Smoking is not permitted.  

3. To make a request
(1) Can you open the window?  I would never use this because it can sound rude.
(2) Please open the window.
(3) May I open the window please.
(4) Could I open the window please. 

4. To speculate
(1) He is not wearing a wedding ring. He can’t be married.
(2) He is not wearing a wedding ring. I doubt if he married.
(3) He is not wearing a wedding ring. This could indicate he is not married. 

5. To mean – ‘is often’
(1) It can be cold in January.
(2) January is generally cold.
(3) It is usually cold in January. 

6. To mean ‘is free to’ in the future.
(1) The doctor can see you tomorrow.
(2) The doctor is able to see you tomorrow.
(3) The doctor will see you tomorrow. 

SUSAN MCKENIE
TEACHER SU
English Teacher
www.abetoday.com

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT, THAT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE! Trained on use are the eyes of the world - make sure your message is received as many eyes as can see.

What do Helen Keller, a blind boy and you have in common? 
In common – means things that are the same or similar – things we share. We share this great universe and we are all human beings. If you are able to read this you have your physical sight, while the blind boy and Helen Keller did not have theirs. We may have physical sight but do we have the eyes that really see? That is the question to consider.

If you change what you say, people will change what they see!
Remember sight is not just what you see – we are part of a world where people look at us and see us. In fact, every day hundreds of eyes see us. Thus if we want success, we must be pleasing to enough eyes. Also we may not see everything and so we can call upon the eyes of others to expand our sight too.

DO OTHERS REALLY SEE YOUR MESSAGE?
One day a blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: I am blind, please help. There were only a few coins in the hat.

With a new presentation people will see more!
A man was walking by. He fished out a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. Afterwards he took the sign, turned it around and wrote a new message. He gave the sign back so that everyone who walked past would now see the new words.

OVERFLOWING
Soon the hat began to fill up and more people were giving money to the blind boy. Later that day, the man who had changed the sign returned to see how things were. The boy recognized the footsteps and asked: Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?

SAME TRUTH BUT ANEW
I wrote the truth. I wrote on the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.

WISE WORDS
Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it. This was the new message on the sign.

WONDERFUL QUESTION
Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

EFFECTIVE MESSAGE
Both signs told people the boy was blind. However, the first sign simply said – the boy is blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind.

WHAT TOUCHES YOU MORE?
Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

BANISH BLINDNESS BLESSING
B: Banish blindness from your life. Blindness is an affliction that can visit the so-called seeing. Blindness to your good and your blessings is the sadness sight, so resolve to see more and more deeply. Blindness of the sighted is the greatest tragedy of life.
L: Listen to your soul and see your soul more, that is the way to greater sight of your soul and insight to your being. Listening to your soul gives the greatest sight and that is what people like Helen Keller did. Listening is how we see more – did you realize that?
E: Enlarge your vision and insight to realize that your message is more effective when it touches the core of the being of others. Examine your message and messages and create them for the greatest impact. Eyes are what we use to see but how observant are you?
S: Sight, insight and visions are among the greatest gifts and are worth developing daily.
S: Start with the soul – sight starts at the soul level and works outwards.

Y: Your message should encompass what others want to see. Your message can be the truth but the truth that touches others.
O: Observing and being observant are the effective use of eyes.
U:  Upon you are the eyes of the world, what do they see or not see?

SOURCES: 

THE GREATEST SPIRIT OF INSIGHT

Helen Keller had a Spirit of Courage and so can you
http://abetoday.com/2011/05/08/helen-keller-had-it-and-so-do-you-and-that-is-a-spirit-of-courage/

You have more gifts than you realize and enough to succeed! 10 pointershttp://abetoday.com/2012/02/23/you-have-more-gifts-than-you-realize-and-enough-to-succeed-10-pointers/

THANK YOU GOD FOR OUR EYESIGHT - story of the blind boy
http://www.islamcan.com/islamic-stories/did-you-thank-allah-for-your-eyesight.shtml

Listening to your soul gives the greatest sight and that is what people like Helen Keller did

Be thirsty for knowledge my friend. 5 lessons from the propelling force of thirst

Make use of the propelling force of being thirsty 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THIRSTY?
If you have gone all your waking hours without a drink, you will appreciate that wonderful elixir called water when you do get the chance to quench your thirst.  Now take this thirst and have a thirst for learning. Only knowledge and more knowledge will quench that thirst and just as we need water every day and lots of it, we need knowledge.

PROPHET MUHAMMAD (PEACE BE UPON HIM (PBUH))
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had people around him. The companions of the Prophet are known as the Sahabah. The Sahabah hold valuable knowledge either from direct communication with the Prophet or by observation. An Ansari friend is a supportive friend/ a supporter. An Ansar is a supportive friend/a supporter.

AFTER PROPHET MUHAMMAD’S PASSING
Hadhrat Abdullah bin Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) says: "After the passing away of the Prophet (peace be upon him(PBUH)), I said to an Ansari friend of mine: 'The Prophet is not now with us. But a large number of Sahabah are still among us. Let us go to them and get knowledge of the Islamic practices.'

LEAVING NO STONE UNTURNEDHe said: ' Who is going to approach you for learning a regulation in the presence of these eminent Sahabah?' I was not discouraged. I kept up my quest for knowledge and approached every person who was supposed to have heard something from the Prophet.

SUBSTANTIAL SOURCES
I managed to gather substantial information from the Ansar.

GOING TO EXTREMES
If on my visit to someone of the Sahabah, I found him asleep, I spread my shawl at the gate and sat waiting. Sometimes my face and body would get covered with dust, but I kept sitting till they woke and I was able to contact them.

WHY SO MUCH EFFORT?
Some of them said: 'Abdullah you are the cousin of the Prophet; you could have sent for us. Why did you take the trouble of coming to our places?'

STUDENT/TEACHER RELATIONSHIP
I said to them: 'I must come to you, for I am a student and you are my teachers.'

WORTHWHILE WAIT
Some people for whom I had waited said: 'Since when have you been waiting for us?' I informed them that I had been sitting there for a pretty long time. They said: 'What a pity! You could have awakened us from our sleep.'

EVER RESPECTFUL
I said: 'I did not like to disturb you for my own sake.'

RELENTLESS PURSUIT
I thus carried on my pursuits, till there came a time when people began to flock to me for learning. My Ansari friend realized this at that time and remarked: 'This boy has surely proved himself more sensible than us.'"

(Source: From the book "Stories of the Sahabah" by Shaikh Muhammad Zakariyya Kaandhlawi.http://www.islamcan.com/islamic-stories/thirst-for-learning.shtml)

LESSON ONE: Let's get thirsty
We should have a similar thirst for knowledge: Knowledge to earn a living as well as gain enough knowledge of our religion, in this case, Islam.

LESSON 2:  NO PAIN, NO GAIN 
The cousin of the Prophet (PBUH) put in a lot of time, energy and effort to obtain the knowledge. In fact he went to extremes to get it. The results were worth the effort.

LESSON 3: LESSON IN HUMILITY
It is a story of humility – a cousin of the Prophet (PBUH) with inside knowledge yet he knew others had knowledge that might be greater than his and would augment what he knew. Again however knowledgeable we are there is much more knowledge to be sought, absorbed and devoured.

LESSON 4: LESSON IN COURTESY
The cousin of the Prophet (PBUH) did not want to put people to any trouble so he would wait patiently for the time when it was convenient to converse with the people who had the special knowledge. The cousin was the epitome of courtesy, respect and patience.

LESSON 5: LESSON IN ENCOURAGEMENT
The cousin of the Prophet (PBUH) never permitted himself to be discouraged. His purpose overcame any tendency to be discouraged and that is exactly how we should be in quest for knowledge. We should be on a quest that is respectful to us and others.

We should have a similar thirst for knowledge: Knowledge to earn a living as well as gain enough knowledge of our religion, in this case, Islam

100 QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED

100 QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED
These 100 questions are from the website http://www.haqislam.org/pre-marital-questions/. Here are my answers. Before you get married do yourself a favor and work through these questions and offer them to your intended. If they are not prepared to do it then that is a red flag as to the level of their co-operation and sincerity. It also means that if you hit problems they are unlikely to be prepared to go for counselling. The questions are intended for Muslims or people who are going to marry Muslims - but many of the questions could apply equally to everyone.

MARRIAGE
1. What is your concept of marriage?
A: I believe in building a partnerhip. I expect 100 per cent physical faithfulness from my spouse.

2 and 3. Have you been married before? Are you married now?
A: email me at susanmckenzie2003@yahoo.co.uk for these answers.

4. What are your expectations of marriage?
A: My expectations are that it takes two to build a good marriage and I expect both to treat it like building a business. Ideally we should be working together in a business or I should not be working if the man can support me.

5. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
A: I will agree to marry a person who has the following characteristics: would like to build a partnership with me and will stay with me through thick and thin.

6. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)
A: I like to teach and would like to work at least part time. Ideally I would like to work in my husband’s business and feel a part of his business and his plans.

7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
The same as number 8.

8. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
A: This is a tough one. I think I want to maintain some things such as 1. My health. 2. a marriage. 3. Develop more knowledge and understanding of religion.

RELIGION
9. What is the role of religion in your life now?
A: Religion is totally important to me so I would want a husband who also really wants to practice religion and talk about it.

10. Are you a spiritual person?
A: I hope to be.

11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
A: An Islamic marriage is about living a similar life as the Prophet Muhammad.

An Islamic marriage is about living a similar life as the Prophet Muhammad

12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
A: I expect my husband to believe in God and fear God so much that he wants to be with one woman only and believes she is so precious that he really cherishes her and is loyal to her.

13. What is your relationship between you and the Muslim community in your area?
A: I don’t have such a relationship but I respect them.

14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
A: No

15. What can you offer your spouse spiritually?
A: I can offer him my belief in God and wanting to deepen that. I can offer him my support and respect for him wanting to be a good Muslim.

16. What is the role of the husband?
A: A husband should be the main breadwinner and financial provider. I say this for a pragmatic reason – if the man does this and is appreciated for this – his sense of being a man increases and when his sense of being a man increases he is in a better position to love his wife.

17. What is the role of the wife?
A: The best wife flows with what her husband is – she identifies what makes him tick and adds her tick to his so that they are the strongest one.

18. Do you want to practice polygamy?
A: Ideally no. In practice – it depends on what compensation the man gives. I feel it is better to have this than to be divorced. I hope my husband would not do this because it means he has not been faithful to me and the entity we have called marriage. Having said this – if it furthers our business objectives then I would consider – but deep down I would not be totally happy about it.

FAMILY
19. What is your relationship with your family?
A: I love my mum. My father has passed away – I was able to respect his career success and he also did a lot of voluntary work.

20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
A: That is up to them – if they accept me I would love to be loved by them and to have a happy family life. The Muslim religion says we should respect the parents of our husband. I must respect whatever they say about me but work towards them having a reasonable opinion of me.

21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
A: I would love it if he loved my mother as much as me.

22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
A: My mother is in the UK.

23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
A: No I am not but I would hope my husband would always permit my mother to stay with us if she would wish.

24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
A: I would consult my husband and find ways to reduce the sourness. I would hope my husband can find a way to solve this in a way that is loving to all.

FRIENDS
25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
A: I don’t have many friends in the real world. I am more a person who goes to work and comes home. I have some people I know on the net.

26. How did you get to know them?
A: The people I do know in the real world are work colleagues, students and one university friend.

27. Why are they your friends?
A: Because we have common interests.

28. What do you like most about them?
A: We talk about work and things like that.

29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
A: Husband comes first.

30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
A: Not in the real world but on the net FB friends include men.

31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?
A: Just comment on their FB walls.

32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
A: That depends on my husband. I hope we could get some agreement on how we both deal with net contacts. This is an area we have to discuss and come to some agreement on.

33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
A: All my friends and family are his (that means he can be friends with them too if he so wishes) – so a professional and seemly friendship/relationship. I would like him to feel comfortable with them.

SELF
34. What are the things that you do in your free time?
A: Writing, listening to music.

35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
A: Not particularly.

36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
A: I will discuss with him and do what is to his liking. His wishes are important to me.

37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
A: Yes this is going to be a tough one. I must try to learn those languages. I need a patient husband who will translate for me. It is going to be especially hard when people speak two or three different languages. Ideally people should all speak English but that may be unreasonable so I have two choices here. 1. Accept this. 2. Try to learn the language but that is difficult for me.

38. Do you travel?
A: Usually I don’t.

39. How do you spend your vacations?
A: At home.

40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
A: Good question – it would be nice if he would like to stay at home too. Perhaps we can compromise – sometimes we stay at home, sometimes we go out, but the real truth is I prefer to stay at home.

41. Do you read?
A: Yes I read.

42. What do you read?
A: A wide selection – but mainly non-fiction.

43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
A: Yes and I would hope my spouse can too.

44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
A: Another good question – yes I would. If we are travelling it would be nice to hold hands. If my spouse does not want to do this then he must make it up to me in private, because to me marriage includes a lot of physical contact.

45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
A: I am not sure how to answer this question but I will try. I guess I would tell them.

46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favour for you?
A: I will thank them

47. Do you like to write your feelings?
A: Yes I do like to write my feelings.

48. If you wronged someone, how do you apologize?
A: I will apologize verbally and where appropriate in writing. I will what I can to make amends.

49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want she/he to apologize to you?
A: It depends who it is – if it is a husband then they should say sorry and I would accept a sincere apology.

50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
A: I believe in forgiving quickly. Immediately to soon.

51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
A: Thinking and thinking. Where appropriate – consulting.

52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
A: Goodness – no it is wrong.

53. Do your friends use foul language?
A: Not that I am aware of.

54. Does your family use foul language?
A: My mother taught us not to do this.

55. How do you express anger?
A: It depends – usually I cry.

56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
A: I think it depends on the situation – but I would prefer to know why he is angry and what I can do to reduce that anger. I would like to comfort him.

57. What do you do when you are angry?
A: I will try to figure out how to solve the situation. If nothing can be done I will listen to music.

58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
A: Good question – whenever there is a problem that the two parties can’t solve.

59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
A: We need to sit down and talk about the problem and see how to compromise.

60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
A: Shouting at each other without justification. Saying hurtful things. Dredging up the past.

61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
A: I will tell my husband and see what he is prepared to do.

62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
A: I will speak to my husband. Perhaps speak to my mother afterwards.

HEALTH
63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
A: I am healthy as far as I am aware.

64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
A: Yes I am if my spouse is prepared to do so. What areas would this cover? I think back health is important in my spouse – so I would want to know about his back too.

65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
A: Good question – One needs to eat a balanced diet. I don’t believe in drinking alcohol or soft drinks and I want my husband to feel the same way.

66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?
A: I eat a balanced diet.

MONEY
67. What is you definition of wealth?
A: Wealth is the ability to earn money,  own one’s home and have a surplus of money in the bank.

68. How do you spend money?
A: On food and clothes.

69. How do you save money?
A: In the bank – just a bank account.

70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
A: This is not an easy area. Idealy it is best if my husband has enough money and he does not need mine. I would have more respect if this is the position.

71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
A: No debts.

72. Do you use credit cards?
A: Yes I do.

73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
A: Ideally yes I do, but I prefer to have enough money to buy outright.

74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
A: I expect him to work. I expect him to have enough for us to buy food and some clothes.

75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
A: See my earlier answers. I prefer the man to take the main responsibility on this.

76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?
A: If I can find work I will. If we need the money then yes. I also like to teach.

77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
A: I have to listen to my husband’s views on this – but if I have a say we should have the second income for savings and for our retirement.

78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
A: Yes I do.

79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
A: Currently only to myself.

80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
A: I prefer not to have a maid. We should do the housework.

CHILDREN
81. Do you want to have children? If not, why? 82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
A: I am not able to have children.

83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
N/A

84. Do you believe in abortion?
N/A

85. Do you have children now?
No kids.

86. What is your relationship with your children now?
N/A

87. What is your relationship with their other parent?
N/A

88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
N/A

89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?
N/A. Joint decisions by husband and wife.

90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
A: Talking to them – reasoning with them.

91. How were you raised?
A: Sadly my parents believed in hitting us.

92. How were you disciplined?
A: Hitting.

93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
A: I don’t – I don’t think it makes them better kids.

94. Do you believe in public school for your children?
A: Diligent kids can benefit from any form of school.

95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
A: This is up to my husband.

96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
A: It depends on where we are living.

97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
A: Respect.

98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
A: Yes.

99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
A:  A close loving relationship.

RELATIVES
100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?
A: There are non-Muslims in the world. I hope we can all respect each other.

PS - I have shared these answers to encourage you to spend some time writing your own answers. 

Pic credit - Adil Lahorei. Thank you Adil.